When an intimate relationship reaches the end of the road be that breaking up, separating or in the case of a marriage, divorcing, the pain, upset and emotional turbulence can be almost unbearable.
The fallout is very similar to a bereavement and of course divorce, separation or breaking up is in fact the death of a relationship. Your whole existence as you have known it, is changing, your home life, your relationship with family and friends, your financial situation not to mention having to accept the changes you see in yourself. Counselling for coping with divorce, separation or a breakup can help you in what ever way you feel vulnerable and in need of support.
Counselling for coping with emotions following your relationship breakup or divorce
What many people say they feel when faced with their relationship breakup is a sense of a tidal wave hitting them full on and overwhelming them. The nature of the change during the process of separation or breakup can so alter or affect every area of life that it is not uncommon to simply ‘freeze’ and be unable to make any decisions or make any headway in all that needs to be resolved and brought to order. Counselling for Coping with relationship breakups & separation helps you to work through these emotions and to come to terms with your new and changed circumstances.
Coming to terms with your new and altered situation after the relationship breakup or separation
You may have known that the relationship was at an end, you may have felt in your ‘heart of hearts’ that you needed to move on and you may know that ultimately you are better off ending the relationship. Knowing what the right thing is to do, and doing it are very different things.
Dealing with all the practicalities of separation or divorce is hard enough, but coming to terms with your breakup and what it means to you as an individual can be the hardest part of the process:
- What now, I can’t imagine being on my own, making all the decisions?
- Will anyone ever love me again?
- How could they? What did I do to deserve this?
- Will this keep happening, is it my fault?
- Why do I have to suffer, losing my family and friends?
Counselling gives you a time and space to ask yourself these questions and explore the answers and how you might find ways of coming to terms with the separation or divorce.
Why did our relationship breakdown, I still want to be in the relationship?
You may be instigating the breakup or it may be something beyond your control, someone else has pulled the plug on the relationship. What is your situation in this relationship breakup?
- I am contemplating ending my relationship but where do I start, is it the right decision?
- My partner has just told me they want to leave, I don’t understand why.
- I love my partner but I am no longer in love with them and I don’t want to live with them any more but how do I tell them without hurting them?
- My whole world has been turned upside down since the separation
- How do I explain to the children why we are divorcing?
Often one of the hardest parts of separation or divorce is the way it impacts on those around us, our children, our family, our friends. Counselling for breakups can help you to manage your own and others shock and trauma that follows.
Counselling for coping with the emotions that flood you during and following a relationship breakup
Just as the death of someone close to you brings into play many diverse emotions, so too does the ending of a relationship. The reality is that you may well go into a period of grieving or mourning for what has ended or been lost:
Anger after the breakup: why did this happen, what have I done to deserve this, why couldn’t I make it work
Remorse or regret after the breakup: if only I had tried harder, if we had been able to have a baby, if I hadn’t behaved so selfishly, If I’d put homelife before work or career
Relief after the breakup: That it is all finally over
Stress and overwhelm after the breakup: Where do I start, how will I cope, I don’t know how to manage?
Feeling frozen after the breakup: Similar to feeling overwhelmed but perhaps also not feeling anything due to the shock and trauma of what has happened.
Feeling powerless after the breakup: This is often the case for the person who did not instigate the divorce, separation or breakup … events move around them and they are powerless to stop them.
Depression and low self-esteem after the breakup: When you are left by someone, when you are told I don’t want you, love you, need you anymore then a sense of worthlessness can prevail.
Counselling following the breakup: Finding a positive way forward
You may not have wanted it, it may feel like your life has fallen apart, it may seem cruel and unfair and you may not see a way forward or that anything positive could come from such a traumatic and heart-breaking time but you can recover from the breakup of your relationship, you may even discover new strength and resilience and learn to appreciate your life in a different way, once you have processed all the feelings and thoughts that the situation has raised.
It could be that by going through this process of assessment and review, you come out feeling more positive about your life and that entering any new relationships you know what you do and don’t want from it. Counselling can help you review how you see yourself and what you want in future relationships.
Counselling for relationship breakups, separation and divorce in London
At a time when your life is in turmoil, actions need to be taken, decisions made, other people’s questions answered, counselling offers you a quiet space to ‘stop’, ‘reflect’, ‘consider’ and to just ‘be’ without anyone asking anything of you. It is a time for you to ‘pause’ and take stock.
Counselling offers you a non-judgmental place that you can speak your thoughts, cry, grieve over your loss, ‘unravel’ the journey to this point, or to use the time in any way that feels right and that you need to help you to cope and work through what is going on for you.
Many of the therapists at City Therapy Rooms offer breakup & separation counselling, take a look at the profiles, each profile is written by the therapist and gives you more information about how they work and their availability.
Please feel free to chat on the telephone to a few therapists or to meet several before deciding who you would like to work with. The initial session is an opportunity for both you and the therapist to decide if you would like to work together.
Help and advice to help you cope with the breakup of your relationship:
Family Lives
This website offers help and support to anyone who is working through the practical and emotional fallout of their relationship breakup. Helpful contacts, advice and stories from others who have been through similar experiences. familylives.org.uk
Sorting Out Separation
There are many practical and legal implications of the breakup, separation or divorce. Sorting out Separation is a site with a wealth of good advice, links to services and helpful ideas to ease the process and tackle the feeling of overwhelm and feeling frozen about what to do. sortingoutseparation.org.uk
© Brian Cotsen
