Counselling to be more Assertive & Set Your Boundaries

Q: How long does it take to become more assertive?

There is no fixed timeline — it depends on how deeply ingrained your current patterns are and what is driving them. Some clients notice a shift in their confidence within a few sessions; others work more deeply on the underlying beliefs and experiences that created passive or avoidant behaviours. Assertiveness is a skill, and like any skill, it grows with practice and the right support.

Stop saying ‘Yes’ when you mean ‘No’.

Do you find yourself saying yes when every part of you wants to say no?

Do you walk away from conversations feeling unheard, resentful, or like you’ve given too much ground — again?

Learning how to be more assertive isn’t about becoming louder or more demanding. It’s about learning to communicate your needs, feelings, and limits clearly, calmly, and confidently — so that you’re taken seriously, treated fairly, and no longer left carrying the weight of everyone else’s expectations.

At City Therapy Rooms, therapists help you understand why you hold back, where your boundaries currently sit, and how to express them in a way that works — at work, at home, and in every relationship that matters to you.

If you would like to speak to a therapist about being more Assertive and learning to set your boundaries you can explore the therapists below.

Professional Standards

All psychotherapists and counsellors on the City Therapy Rooms website are independent, self-employed specialists who manage their own appointments. Every practitioner must provide verified evidence of:

Professional Registration: Active membership with a leading UK regulatory body, including the BACP, BPS, BPC, UKCP, HCPC, BABCP, SEAUK, COSRT, NCS, BAAT.
Clinical Credentials: Fully verified professional qualifications and comprehensive indemnity insurance.
Supervision: Be in ongoing clinical supervision. Their supervisors have confirmed the accuracy of the content of their profiles on this website.

Does this sound familiar?

These are real situations our clients bring to assertiveness coaching:

At Work: My manager keeps adding to my workload, but I don’t know how to say I’m at capacity without seeming like I’m not a team player.”

In a Relationship: “I always end up doing what my partner wants. I tell myself I don’t mind, but the resentment builds up and eventually I snap — and then I feel guilty for that too.”

With Family: “My parents still treat me like a teenager. I love them, but I dread their calls because I always agree to things I don’t want to do.”

With Friends: “I’m the one who always rearranges my plans for others. I’ve never worked out how to say no without feeling like I’m letting people down.”

A Boundary Crossed: “Someone said something that really crossed a line for me. I said nothing at the time, then spent days replaying what I should have said.”

Do I have trouble being assertive?

You may have never really thought about it until now — perhaps you’ve always told yourself ‘I like keeping the peace.’ But do any of these feel familiar?

However, do you identify with any of the following?

I feel guilty when I say ‘No’ to a request.
I find it hard to put myself first or to ask someone to do something for me.
I get upset when others challenge my decisions or opinions.
I agree to things that I know I don’t want to do, don’t have time to do.
I don’t feel that people listen to my arguments or see my point of view.
I avoid any confrontations in work or my personal life.

These are just a few examples of behaviour that suggests you could learn to be more assertive and feel more in control of the decisions you want to make.

Will learning to be assertive make me seem aggressive?

Being more assertive does not mean being more aggressive, rude, or blunt. Assertiveness sits midway on a scale — at one end you would be seen as ‘aggressive’, at the other ‘passive’. Learning to be assertive means finding that middle ground: communicating clearly and directly, without anger or intimidation, and without giving way entirely.

Learning to be assertive starts with knowing your limits

Defining your boundaries may sound daunting — but in reality, what you are doing is simply identifying what you will and won’t accept, what you’re comfortable agreeing to, and what feels genuinely unacceptable to you.

During assertiveness coaching sessions, you’ll explore those areas of your life where you find it hardest to hold your ground — and learn to communicate your boundaries clearly, calmly, and without aggression.

No one can read your mind, so you need to tell them!

What changes when you learn to be more assertive?

Assertiveness isn’t just about having better arguments or getting your own way. When you learn to communicate clearly and hold your boundaries, something more fundamental shifts — in how you see yourself, and in how others relate to you.

Clients regularly say they notice:

You stop dreading certain conversations.

Instead of rehearsing worst-case scenarios or avoiding the issue altogether, you feel equipped to have the conversation — calmly, clearly, and on your own terms.

You feel less resentful and less exhausted.

A large part of chronic tiredness and low-level frustration comes from consistently saying yes when you mean no. When that changes, so does your energy.

People take you more seriously.

Assertive communication earns respect — not because you’re louder, but because you’re clearer. When you stop hedging and over-apologising, people listen differently.

Your relationships become more honest.

Boundaries don’t push people away — they create the conditions for genuine connection. When others know where you stand, trust builds on both sides.

You make decisions you can stand behind.

Rather than agreeing in the moment and regretting it later, you learn to pause, consider what you actually want, and respond from a place of clarity rather than pressure.

You feel more like yourself.

Perhaps most importantly: assertiveness gives you back a sense of agency. You’re no longer just reacting to what others want from you — you’re actively shaping the life you want to live.

The benefits of being assertive

Being assertive is usually viewed as a healthier communication style. Being assertive offers many benefits. It helps you keep people from walking all over you. It can also help you from steamrolling others.

The benefits of behaving assertively can help you:

Gain self-confidence and self-esteem
Understand and recognise your feelings
Earn respect from others
Improve communication
Create win-win situations: benefitting those around you too
Improve your decision-making skills
Create honest relationships
Gain more job satisfaction

Learning to be more assertive can also help you effectively express your feelings when communicating with others about issues.

Counselling for Assertiveness: Coaching to learn to set and maintain your boundaries.

Take the first step to being more confident, agree to only those things you want to do and feeling more in control, Counselling for Assertiveness and setting your boundaries.

If you would like to speak to a therapist about being more Assertive and learning to set your boundaries you can explore the therapists below.

Frequently Asked Questions

Questions People Ask Before Getting in Touch

What does it mean to be assertive?

Being assertive means communicating your needs, opinions, and limits honestly and directly — without aggression, passive acceptance, or manipulation. It’s a communication style that balances self-respect with respect for others: being heard without dominating, and being flexible without being a pushover.

What is the difference between being assertive and being aggressive?

Aggression prioritises winning at the cost of the other person — it’s forceful, threatening, or dismissive of others’ feelings. Assertiveness prioritises honest, clear communication while still respecting the other person’s perspective. Assertiveness says ‘this is what I need’; aggression says ‘my needs are the only ones that matter.’

How do I start setting boundaries?

Setting boundaries starts with identifying what you will and won’t accept — in your time, your emotional energy, and your relationships. Once you know where your limits are, the next step is communicating them clearly, kindly, and consistently. Boundaries only work when they’re maintained; assertiveness coaching helps you learn how to hold them, even when others push back.

Why do I feel guilty when I say no?

Feeling guilty when you say no is extremely common, and it usually has roots in early life experiences — being rewarded for compliance, learning that your needs were less important, or finding that saying no led to conflict or rejection. Assertiveness coaching helps you separate guilt (a feeling) from doing something wrong (a fact). Saying no to protect your time, energy, or wellbeing is not selfish — it’s healthy.

Can assertiveness coaching help with anxiety?

Yes. Anxiety and lack of assertiveness are closely linked. Many people experience anxiety precisely because they avoid difficult conversations, suppress their true feelings, or take on more than they can manage. Learning to express yourself clearly can significantly reduce social anxiety, resentment, and the low-level stress that comes from consistently putting others’ needs before your own.

What is the difference between assertive, passive, and passive-aggressive communication?

Passive communication means avoiding the issue or agreeing despite disagreement. Aggressive communication means forcing your view with anger or intimidation. Passive-aggressive communication is indirect resistance — agreeing on the surface but not following through. Assertiveness is the fourth, healthier style: direct, honest, and respectful. It is the only style that consistently leads to genuine resolution.

How long does it take to become more assertive?

There’s no fixed timeline — it depends on how deeply ingrained your current patterns are and what is driving them. Some clients notice a shift in their confidence within a few sessions; others work more deeply on the underlying beliefs and experiences that created passive or avoidant behaviours. Assertiveness is a skill — and like any skill, it grows with practice and the right support.

Help and advice on how to be more assertive and set your boundaries

MindTools Video
This MindTools video explains clearly the difference between being assertive and being aggressive and gives some simple advice on how to be more assertive and set your boundaries.

© Brian Cotsen